By John Silverton
In the 1950s I lived in Alan Bennett country, the colourful Yorkshire Dales. When in Leeds shopping or on business I would make time to visit the Tasty Tea Room, fondly nicknamed “The Two Ts” by polite society and “The Two Tits” by other locals, a reference to the overly endowed proprietress, Mrs Myerson.
Mrs ‘M’, as she was affectionately known, somewhat resembled a pantomime dame: a dyed blonde aging doll with rouged cheeks and blood red lips, who peered out from under false eye lashes and a camouflage of foundation applied with a mortician’s generosity. An ample cleavage met one’s eye for she wore her breasts with the victorious pride of an old soldier displaying his chest of medals.
Beneath the cleavage was a heart of gold and she had a marvellous rapport with all who came to sample her renowned spiced toasted tea cakes and buns, the redeeming feature of an otherwise bland establishment of sentimental floral wallpaper, kitsch pictures and gingham table cloths. The discomfort of the oak spindle back chairs suggested a commercial imperative of encouraging patrons to limit their stay: eat, drink and be gone.
Hung above the till a black-and-white photo showed Alan Bennett displaying an embarrassing smile being hugged by Mrs ‘M’. Apparently, the famous playwright was a regular.
Tea and cakes were served on blue-and-white Willow Pattern crockery which I assumed to be of Chinese creation, but according to Mrs ‘M’ was devised by her great grandfather, Josiah Spode, a famous British china manufacturer, hence her affinity for the blue-and-white crockery.
On one occasion as I sat enjoying the fare, I couldn’t help overhearing the exchanges of Mrs M and two women who occupied an adjacent table. The younger woman, looking down at the table, hands in lap, wore a resigned, sullen expression. The older woman, overbearing and overweight, her domineering mother.
Mrs M brought them tea and commented: ‘You’re looking a bit pasty today, Maisy. Everything alright?’
‘Oh dear, Mrs M,’ butted in her mother before Maisy could respond, ‘her husband up and left. Mind you, I knew it wouldn’t last, I told her so. I said to Aunt Mabel on the wedding day, “I give it six months, and he’ll be off.” And so it’s proved.’
‘Oh, Maisy, I’m so sorry. My husband up and left me,’ sighed Mrs M, ‘but money from the divorce helped buy this café.’
‘I always knew her Alfie was no good,’ huffed Maisy’s mother, ‘a lady’s man through and through, too cocky for his own good, if you’ll pardon the expression.’
‘My Harry was the same,’ mused Mrs M sympathetically, placing a comforting hand on Maisy’s shoulder. ‘Your better off without him.’
‘Maisy thought she could change him, but of course, that sort never change. He’ll be chasing skirt to his grave. He even tried it on with her sister; she gave him short shrift; more sense that one. If I’d been a few years younger I expect he’d have tried it on with me.’
‘Mum. . . !’
‘It’s as well you didn’t give up your job down at the milliners. It’ll pay your rent. I’ve let your room to a real gentleman, Mr Allinson. He’s only just arrived so I can hardly tell him to go, can I? Mabel said she never felt quite safe with your Alfie about, not that I think Mabel wanted to be entirely safe since her Danny died. She’s certainly casting her eye about. Your father always fancied Mabel you know. I shall have to keep an eye on him. Talking of him, I can’t imagine what your father will say. What an earth are we going to tell him?’
‘Tell him he’s going to be a grandfather!’
‘Whoops! That reminds me,’ gasped Mrs M heading for the kitchen, ‘I’ve got a bun in the oven.’
Author Bio:
John Silverton is a former freelance journalist and magazine features writer. His first novel, a suspenseful passionate romance ‘A Pearl Amongst Oysters’ received good reviews and is available in paperback on Amazon Books. A collection of short stories will be published 2026.
Contact Author:
Email: Johnsilverton@hotmail.co.uk
